No kids, no kids, no kiiiiiiids!

I had to take a special picture for this. I'm so thrilled. Yet, it really was hard to watch them drive away. :[ But I'll be fi-ine as soon as my bestie gets here. [Among others.] But especially bestits Mysti. And I'm not sure how I feel about being a "smoker" because I feel bad everytime I smoke solo.

I think it be dumbuh.

Anywho-uh. Zero McLovely and I are about to sit down and eat babies. That is my plan. I'm so fucking happy with my life. Everything is okay. I'm okay. My mom is okay. The boys are okay. It's all okay. :D

If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone...

I missed you again today, Cliff.
I got a little teary.
I wish you were still here.
God, I wish you were still here.
The kids are doing well.
I'm taking care of Phoenix like you asked me to.
He sleeps with me every night and throws fits.
If he's uncomfortable, he lets me know.

Shannon seems to be doing much better.
She is coming to see the boys today.
I'm going to get guardianship of them
so that I can legally help them and stuff.
My mom worked out this system of good marks
and bad marks for rewards and discipline.
It is working a lot better than yelling.

Justice is giving me the most problems.
He's so angry.
Especially without you.
I think he has still not fully accepted it.
None of us really have.

I love you.
I'll write to you soon.

Life;Life;Life.

Life as I know it is ceasing to exist.
Someone else's life has taken over.
It's so fucking hardddd.
I'm overwhelmed.
Tomorrow I must get off my ass
and clean this fucking apartment.
DHS don't like no messes, massa.

Schari is coming into town May 12th or 13th.
I'm inviting everyone to accompany us to
Frontier City; Clyde too.
It sounds spectacular to me.
I need a break from all this.

Shannon has been sober when I talked to her.
No joke.
All day.
NO. JOKE.
How confused am I?
Oh, I'm quite the mess.

I'm getting to a blank spot in my mind.
Epic fail.
I had so much to say.
G'night.

Starstruck...

One blog about you.
Here's another.
You can't expect me to ignore the fact
that you actually told me
you LOVE me.
Twice now.

Oh my gosh.

Seriously.
You make this much more difficult than need be.
I'm glad Mysti is the only person that sees this.
Ugh.
You are ridiculously on my mind too much.
I hate you for it.

Don't ask me why you make me laugh so hard.



[Oh, and, by the way.
It's not normal for me
to get sick when someone
says goodnight. Just sayin'.]

If I kiss you where it's sore, will you feel better?

I think things can only get better from here. Thanks for letting me know you're okay, Cliff. I love you, Jewbacca.

Your kisses cure cancer?

Holy fuck.
Please tell me this isn't happening.
I, all of a sudden, develop a sort of like-a-lot-ish feelings for a friend... from the internet! This is the stupidest thing. If he would just stop being so nice to me, so caring and concerned, so insecure and humble, so fucking wise and funny...
MAYBE I'D STOP LIKING HIM.
Internet boy crush.
Only it feels less like a crush.

I was crying.
Hard.
So you know what he said?
"What if I kissed your eyes.
Made them feel better.
For all you know, my kisses cure cancer."
I melted.
I think I shed one more tear FOR him.
But then I stopped. Because that was 3rd in line of things he had said to make me feel better.
He deserved my dry eyes.
He's fucking beautiful.
I know if I actually told anyone, they'd call me an idiot.
But he's the only person who keeps making me laugh through all of this.


New subject. Cliff's funeral is in a few hours. I can't sleep. I'm terrified. If I see him, it'll be real. Save me.

Clifford

Clifford. You were just at my apartment last night. I know you're reading this right now, or just know what I'm saying. I'm sure of it.

I can't believe you did this. I'm fucking pissed at you. Fucking Jew. I love you so much, you're like my brother. You were the best thing that happened to my boys; to my sister. You were her world, whether or not she showed it. You were so amazing. Just wake up. Please. Wake up and tell everyone you were joking. This is just a bad Jew joke.

I remember the first time I understood that I was a part of the family. You made it clear. I'm sad I only told you I loved you one time. If I could go back, I would've told you again. All the time. But I can't and you aren't coming back. I want you to come to our dreams, yeah? Call me a leprechaun. Just once more. I'm begging you. Let me say goodbye. Let me tell you how much you changed us, and helped us. I love you, Cliff. We all love you.

I'll tell Phoenix all the best things, Cliff. I'll tell him about the last time I saw you, and how you squeezed him tight and said, "Hey, big guy. I missed you."

Hey, big Jew. I'll miss you.

<3

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life...

There's a million and one things going on in my fucking life.
I need support, not judgement.
I need help, not remorse.
I need you, not them.


I'm going to go watch pirated episodes of True Blood; I feel weak.