I can't believe it's been so long...

Your hair has grown out, your gauges are bigger. Your scar and smile are still the same. You two aren't together. So where and why does that leave me stranded with thoughts of you on repeat?

ifuckingmissyou.

The gentlemen in the green shirt.

It's getting worse.
With the beat-beat and the flutter-flutter.
Tap your rings on that cue, sir.
Smile at me some more.

Eos

A little bit nervous. Gonna see an old friend in the morning. Eos, the dawn. Haven't seen him in the day time in... ever. Demetrius, you will be beautiful.


<3
xoShyla.

Dan.

Today was Dan's last day as a driver for the Senior Center. He did home deliveries on Route 6. :D He's going to be a full time butcher at the new Crest.

All I really know about Dan:

He's sweet.
Hilarious.
Kind-hearted.
Loves everyone.
Lost his wife.
Was a butcher for many years.

And he said he needs this job because when he has too much free time, all he thinks about is his wife. He loved her very very very much. I can tell.

Dan, I've only just gotten to know you, but I love you very much. You're so kind and I hope you visit us often!


<3
xoShyla.

Dimethyltryptamine.

"I'd rather you tumbl about me like it's TWENTY-TEN... but okay."

So Mason Tyler Mann is about to embark on a journey with Demetrius. It's going to be beautiful for him. I'm so excited. I wish I could see tonight through Mary and Mason's eyes. But sadly, I'm choosing not to.

I'll update this and tell you what he sees.

"Sharting is a Trojan horse... It starts as a gift to the Romans which turns out to be your bowel's soldiers..."


UPDATE: He didn't explain what he saw. He just liked the ceiling.

<3
xoShyla.

Life at the Brand Senior Center...

Hey everyone.

I just wanted to show off my favorite view at my work. This is the billiards area. Home to my favorite people. Now, you see that guy in the red? That's Jimmy. He's slick. I love him to death. He was for sure a charmer in his prime. He's still a charmer. You can't see him, but my newest friend is Dale. He was on the far right. Dale is a jolly guy, who has a keen fashion sense... He likes to wear a tee shirt with lounge shorts, penny loafers and shin-high white socks. I love it.

Dale told a story today that I'd like to share.

He said that once, "in the hippie times, ya see", that he and his wife went camping. While they were camping, she was scared that some hippies would come along and rob them or just plain attack them. [Yes, I'm serious.] So they were just on the ground in their sleeping bags, and his wife was scared to pieces. She said, "Well what are you going to do to protect me from those hippies?" He put his hatchet next to his sleeping bag and figured that'd be the end of it. But then, his wife became frightened of something else. She said, "But Dale, you know I have nightmares sometimes. What if I wake up hollerin' and you get me with that?!" He simply replied, "If you don't let me get to sleep... I will."

Bahaha. I love story time with the seniors. <3 :]

Well, it's almost bed time; I must update my story so that I don't get gutted.
Love love love.
<3
xoShyla.

Fixed up my blog. :D

Gonna start adding some photography posts.
Started work at the Senior Center today.
BUSTED MY ASS.
Seriously, I guess noobz have to do everything.
It won't be THAT hard.
The worst of it will be getting up at 6:30 every morning.
KILL ME HARD.

Gonna go write.
Love.
<3
xoShyla.

Horrible Turn

So I saw the greatest movie last night. Some local actors and actors from Texas. It's a comedic/romantic/musical! :D It's called "Horrible Turn". The guy up in the picture is Jacob Buras. He plays the antagonist, Kenny Hammerstein. The whole movie is hilarious and you can watch it all for free at http://www.horribleturn.com/youtube/

Now, onto other things. The boys have been nuts today. We went to the court house today on some official family bid-ness. They were moderately behaved. But as soon as we left they became nutzo. Then we went and saw the new Karate Kid. It was so much better than the original. I give it 9.1 stars. And I suggest everyone sees it!

Got some writing to do tonight. Demanding fans and a lot of ideas are swirling.
<3

I Need Help.

I do need help. I know that. This is all a tad much for a 19 year old. So I'm getting it. I don't understand how the people in my life don't get this. And I'm at the point where I'm shaken, and near my point of taking up a new lifestyle. The boys and my mom and my family. And I.

I have the ambition to do great things. I have the ability. Some people are creating obstacles, others are obstacles. So, if I can put my mind to this, I can do it. I've been reading The Bible with the boys, praising and worshiping like I should have been for a while. I'm ecstatic with the knowledge that I can do anything, and I pray when I need help or reassurance.

Things are so much different from our perspective. I hope that I can focus on the fact that someday this will all make sense. It's hard, and I'm not doing the best job on Earth, but I do feel like I'm doing what's right.

Tomorrow I start my job.
Wish me luck, world.

<3
xoShyla.

Panic Attacks...

I didn't remember what you looked like in the casket. Must have blocked it out. The only thing I remember is seeing your thumb, and how they hadn't cleaned the dirt from under your nails, which was very unfitting as you were such a clean freak. But I just remembered that your eyes were all puffy underneath, and there were these two creases that your skin made to compensate for the swollen area. It makes me sick.

Sometimes I have panic attacks because I have these flashes of pictures or visions you in my head. You scare me. It shouldn't be like that.

Shannon's in Griffin, Cliff! She is. She did it. She's trying to get better. It wasn't all for nothing. But, bad news is, she's talking to Cheyenne. She tells him she loves him. It's not good. He's supposed to get out this year. But don't worry. I'll protect Justice. Shannon can screw up her own life. I want nothing to do with Cheyenne and neither should Justice. He's a murderer, and he's nuts, to boot.

Do you get to watch us from up there? Or is that exclusively for The Big Guy? I know you visited Phoenix a couple times. I wish you had found a way to say "Hi". You're such a silly Jew.

I need to get back into the habit of showing you to Pheefers. I don't want him to forget you, Cliff. I would hate that. It's been... holy shit. In 3 days, Jew, it's been 2 months. That's insane. 2 months since I've seen you, and will never, on this Earth, see you again.

I miss you, I love you, I want you back here.

Justice is talking about it more. He misses you something awful. So do brothers. It's so hard without you. Mom is sooo mad at you. It's like you just went away. I need to go to your grave. It's just surreal sometimes.

Come to me in my dreams, dang it!
I love you, Jewface.
xoShy.

Graduation...

Rachael's grad is today.
I'm about to go shower.
I'm so stoked.
I'm very proud of her.
FUCK THE FUCK KNOT!

I can't go any further than this...

You said you're gonna marry her, just because it's safe.
You make me sick to my stomach.
I want nothing more than to be your everything.

asdfghjkl; grrrrrr.

I swear to God you're getting to me more everyday. There's no point in this. You're a billion miles away. It's really hard for me now. I wish you would stop saying you love me, because I'm not sure how I feel. It's even harder to admit that...

No kids, no kids, no kiiiiiiids!

I had to take a special picture for this. I'm so thrilled. Yet, it really was hard to watch them drive away. :[ But I'll be fi-ine as soon as my bestie gets here. [Among others.] But especially bestits Mysti. And I'm not sure how I feel about being a "smoker" because I feel bad everytime I smoke solo.

I think it be dumbuh.

Anywho-uh. Zero McLovely and I are about to sit down and eat babies. That is my plan. I'm so fucking happy with my life. Everything is okay. I'm okay. My mom is okay. The boys are okay. It's all okay. :D

If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone...

I missed you again today, Cliff.
I got a little teary.
I wish you were still here.
God, I wish you were still here.
The kids are doing well.
I'm taking care of Phoenix like you asked me to.
He sleeps with me every night and throws fits.
If he's uncomfortable, he lets me know.

Shannon seems to be doing much better.
She is coming to see the boys today.
I'm going to get guardianship of them
so that I can legally help them and stuff.
My mom worked out this system of good marks
and bad marks for rewards and discipline.
It is working a lot better than yelling.

Justice is giving me the most problems.
He's so angry.
Especially without you.
I think he has still not fully accepted it.
None of us really have.

I love you.
I'll write to you soon.

Life;Life;Life.

Life as I know it is ceasing to exist.
Someone else's life has taken over.
It's so fucking hardddd.
I'm overwhelmed.
Tomorrow I must get off my ass
and clean this fucking apartment.
DHS don't like no messes, massa.

Schari is coming into town May 12th or 13th.
I'm inviting everyone to accompany us to
Frontier City; Clyde too.
It sounds spectacular to me.
I need a break from all this.

Shannon has been sober when I talked to her.
No joke.
All day.
NO. JOKE.
How confused am I?
Oh, I'm quite the mess.

I'm getting to a blank spot in my mind.
Epic fail.
I had so much to say.
G'night.

Starstruck...

One blog about you.
Here's another.
You can't expect me to ignore the fact
that you actually told me
you LOVE me.
Twice now.

Oh my gosh.

Seriously.
You make this much more difficult than need be.
I'm glad Mysti is the only person that sees this.
Ugh.
You are ridiculously on my mind too much.
I hate you for it.

Don't ask me why you make me laugh so hard.



[Oh, and, by the way.
It's not normal for me
to get sick when someone
says goodnight. Just sayin'.]

If I kiss you where it's sore, will you feel better?

I think things can only get better from here. Thanks for letting me know you're okay, Cliff. I love you, Jewbacca.

Your kisses cure cancer?

Holy fuck.
Please tell me this isn't happening.
I, all of a sudden, develop a sort of like-a-lot-ish feelings for a friend... from the internet! This is the stupidest thing. If he would just stop being so nice to me, so caring and concerned, so insecure and humble, so fucking wise and funny...
MAYBE I'D STOP LIKING HIM.
Internet boy crush.
Only it feels less like a crush.

I was crying.
Hard.
So you know what he said?
"What if I kissed your eyes.
Made them feel better.
For all you know, my kisses cure cancer."
I melted.
I think I shed one more tear FOR him.
But then I stopped. Because that was 3rd in line of things he had said to make me feel better.
He deserved my dry eyes.
He's fucking beautiful.
I know if I actually told anyone, they'd call me an idiot.
But he's the only person who keeps making me laugh through all of this.


New subject. Cliff's funeral is in a few hours. I can't sleep. I'm terrified. If I see him, it'll be real. Save me.

Clifford

Clifford. You were just at my apartment last night. I know you're reading this right now, or just know what I'm saying. I'm sure of it.

I can't believe you did this. I'm fucking pissed at you. Fucking Jew. I love you so much, you're like my brother. You were the best thing that happened to my boys; to my sister. You were her world, whether or not she showed it. You were so amazing. Just wake up. Please. Wake up and tell everyone you were joking. This is just a bad Jew joke.

I remember the first time I understood that I was a part of the family. You made it clear. I'm sad I only told you I loved you one time. If I could go back, I would've told you again. All the time. But I can't and you aren't coming back. I want you to come to our dreams, yeah? Call me a leprechaun. Just once more. I'm begging you. Let me say goodbye. Let me tell you how much you changed us, and helped us. I love you, Cliff. We all love you.

I'll tell Phoenix all the best things, Cliff. I'll tell him about the last time I saw you, and how you squeezed him tight and said, "Hey, big guy. I missed you."

Hey, big Jew. I'll miss you.

<3

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life...

There's a million and one things going on in my fucking life.
I need support, not judgement.
I need help, not remorse.
I need you, not them.


I'm going to go watch pirated episodes of True Blood; I feel weak.

Just to not upset the system.

Zero.

A solid figure in my life.
My dog is my rock.


I AM SO PATHETIC.

So what to do after they move out?
I'm so fucking screwed. I gotta figure this bull shit out. It's so like me to fall apart. Especially at the times when I need to be keeping it together.

I'm trying to find an exterpositive thing in my life.

So far...
Me: 0
Life: 1

Fuck off.
End of story.
Motto for the day.

7 Deadly Sins...

At Tina's.
Today is the first day of the Deadly Sins shoot.
Idk yet how it will go.

Wrath: Mary
Sloth: Mysti
Envy: Tashajavascript:void(0)
Greed: Mason
Gluttony: Jarod
Vanity: Mikal
Lust: Christina

I've got a million ideas swirling in my head.
I hope they jump out of my head and onto the ground; in front of the camera, of course.
Skeet skeet.

sick day.

And today is murky and retarded.
Miss my family.
Need my shower.
Hate my surroundings.
So tired.

Fuck I hate today.
I can't speak.
Literally.
I sound like a boy going through puberty.

All of this over breakfast?

I somehow discovered that everything I thought I had was just pretenses.
I have my mom who I can count on entirely too much.
That one I know for sure.
And as I break down, writing this at 1:20 am, I am alone.
My nephews are asleep, scattered sporadically around the living room; my roommates are laughing in their room...
Yet somehow, I feel like this apartment is a ghost town.
This place is a ghost town, and damn it if I'm not the one haunting this room.

I want to remove myself from this and every situation involving me.
I'll adopt a pseudonym and live like a Gypsy; I won't need anything.
I know who I sound like right now, and I'm okay with that.
And I sound like an attention-starved, punk-bitch.
I'm okay with that.
When everything is good, I won't be excited anymore.
I know what follows it.
White flag.


All of this over breakfast plans?
I'll write for me.
"TIME TO PRETEND."
3... 2...

Pants on the ground.

Mary called me.
Little Jon was featured on a song with a Hispanic Hip Hop artist.
Instead of his traditional, "WHAT??!!"
He yelled, "QUE??!!"

Lolz.

So I'm off to bed. Work and cleaning to do tomorrow.
Audi 5,000 like your mom's pants... on the ground?

Chuck Norris Jokes...

Man Chuck Norris Jokes make me so happy.
So would dinner.
Dinner would make me happy.


Does anyone wanna feed me a giraffe?


So my life is so good now that my other half is back. FOR GOOD. Maybe you went away to figure out where home is.

So these are the reasons I love being an Oklahoman:

1. Southern cooking.

2. More people are Christians out here since we're in the Bible Belt.

3. It will always feel like home.

4. People are a lot more polite here than in most states.

5. (It's that) Southern hospitality.

6. Those country roads.

7. Those city lights.

8. Moore.

9. The early morning sky.

10. SOUTHERN COOKING.


Welcome my friends, it's gonna be a long stay.

Whoop that trick, [It was supposed to have stanzas.] -4mysti.

So good. This night is a Zoo of laughter and focus.

Wild Cherry Pepsi, and flow like no other.

"I really like your hair, I wish I could afford some for me."

-My inner monologue would've been so thrilled to say.

Let me walk the walk so I don't need to talk at all.

He really wanna bust a rhyme.

When I found you at the truck stop, you weren't in charge.

Old man sound-proofing and there's someone at the door.

Why are you Shelby?
I need a power strip to connect these beats.

Beast, he's light-skinned.

It's hard out here for a pimp.

Synch it up.

Audi 5,000; Spring Break.

I call her my Mystits, but sometimes she's just my everything-bestie.

Now introducing: The Everything-Bestie. The bestie that is good for everything!

Since when do people enjoy their house smelling like burning wood? Oh, if you're me or Mysti.
I know, it's weird but that's why she's my Tweedle Dick.

It's logical.

So Spring Break is HERE.

I know it's not.

But it is for us.

For me and her.

For our group.

They have no idea, but Hurricane Spring Break is about to hit them up.

Audi 5,000.

Why are a good portion of my pictures Mysti, you ask? Well because I miss her and my life isn't interesting without her. The reason for this picture, is because she will be back to square... this. Soon.

I'm in my Tro's room. It smells like a man. Not a foul sweaty man; a real, clean, hardworking, leather boot wearing, satin sheet sleeping, cologne using, full-flavor smoking man. Mysti just got a chub over that description. [It poked my leg. All the way from California.]

How is it out there, my friend? Is it beautiful? Is it man-filled? Is it everything we want and more? I hope it is. I hope you're having a wonderful time. Tell your mom happy birthday for me when the time comes.

Proud- Tegan and Sara

I have so many things to show Mysti over Spring Break. I'm so excited.
She will be here soon enough.

So I'm listening to Tegan and Sara before work. Wet-headed. I need to go brush my grill and take Zero out.... again.

Today, it was retarded.

As in the day was retarded.

If I have to hear my mom call me a 'homo' one more time, I quit at life.

No doubt.

I want Spring Break to be here.

That's when I get to see miss Mysti.

It's all that's on my mind because, currently, nothing interests me.

Woolly, come home.

Coming home from work today, my dog attacked me with hugs.

For those of you who are saying, "A dog... attacked you with hugs?"

Yes, I taught him how to hug.

He uses his arms like any respectable human being.

:D

I think I'm going to con Lunchbox into taking Mason and I to Braum's.

Perhaps.

Peppermint in your honor, friend.

tastethisexcitementandcum.

Ooooooh. Remember those days?

They're on their way back.

I'm so excited.

I will no longer need to say, "So today..." because you'll be there.

The 28th. It seems lightyears away.

Fuck Knots piss me off. They're the hardest to untie. Don't you agree. Someday it will unravel; I think so. I miss you through the phone. Lolz.

You won't have a phone from tomorrow til your arrival. Not stoked for that. The fuck knot speaks of future plans. How annoyed am I?

Very.

ILY.

Fuck you world, you're not Wooly like Itsym.

a long day in front of the comp/in the dark/showerless.

What is more disturbing: that the face in this picture belongs to my old youth pastor; or that I literally think the said 'gorilla' looks better in that speedo than I would? I vote... both.

So all I've done today is sit at my computer desk being a recluse. I haven't even showered yet. I have to go to work in an hour and a half. Someone save me, if you will.

I'm getting a tiger salamander on Tuesday. My friend is just giving it to me. Yeah. I know. The tank and all. I'm naming it Monster after my best friend. Somehow that doesn't make sense to anyone but me. Yeah, my bff's birthname is Monster. Her family cherished her. Lollllz.

Well. List of s'od-ot.

1. Get back on im.
2. Shower.
3. Get back-back on im.
4. Work.
5. Get back-back-back on im.
6. talk to Mysti til my beefy digits fall off.
7. Make mental note that beefy digits is funny verbally, dirty when read.
8. Stop making to-do's.

ugh. back to work, nothing like billy madison.

Spent some time outside today. Back at work after my 'injury', I guess you could say. Oh, and, not that anyone is impressed, but the color in this photo is not normal color splash. I added it all to a black and white photo. Cuz I'm a g. Mysti would think it was cool. Speaking of my dear heart. I saw a movie today that would make her shit her pants. In the best way possible.

I am literally counting the days til you get here, best friend on Earth.

I found out if you spit in the wind it does not hit you in the face. It slaps you on the chest with a sound. I'm currently acheiving two ends of a spectrum, caring for an elderly woman and babysitting a young girl. I am all-powerful. My to-do list for the day is:

1. Go home.
2. Work on muh beats/spits.
3. Make myself some din din.
4. Call Mysti a hippo.
5. Hug Zero like I will never see him again.
6. Tell Lunchbox I called Mysti a hippo.

My to-do's don't need to be in order. Just have to happen.

I love Mystits. That's all.

paging dr. harold.

headphones and no butterfly wings. ok? yes. headphone-flightless-harold.