Panic Attacks...

I didn't remember what you looked like in the casket. Must have blocked it out. The only thing I remember is seeing your thumb, and how they hadn't cleaned the dirt from under your nails, which was very unfitting as you were such a clean freak. But I just remembered that your eyes were all puffy underneath, and there were these two creases that your skin made to compensate for the swollen area. It makes me sick.

Sometimes I have panic attacks because I have these flashes of pictures or visions you in my head. You scare me. It shouldn't be like that.

Shannon's in Griffin, Cliff! She is. She did it. She's trying to get better. It wasn't all for nothing. But, bad news is, she's talking to Cheyenne. She tells him she loves him. It's not good. He's supposed to get out this year. But don't worry. I'll protect Justice. Shannon can screw up her own life. I want nothing to do with Cheyenne and neither should Justice. He's a murderer, and he's nuts, to boot.

Do you get to watch us from up there? Or is that exclusively for The Big Guy? I know you visited Phoenix a couple times. I wish you had found a way to say "Hi". You're such a silly Jew.

I need to get back into the habit of showing you to Pheefers. I don't want him to forget you, Cliff. I would hate that. It's been... holy shit. In 3 days, Jew, it's been 2 months. That's insane. 2 months since I've seen you, and will never, on this Earth, see you again.

I miss you, I love you, I want you back here.

Justice is talking about it more. He misses you something awful. So do brothers. It's so hard without you. Mom is sooo mad at you. It's like you just went away. I need to go to your grave. It's just surreal sometimes.

Come to me in my dreams, dang it!
I love you, Jewface.
xoShy.